Made of Clay

I become distracted, overfilling myself with the wrong foods, carrying the wrong burdens, instead of simply taking His yoke. Till I am broken once again.

I become impatient. Desecrating sacred moments with dissatisfaction. Writhing anxiously with tasks incomplete. Aching. Deep. Emptiness. And somehow I forget all about the beauty that swells around me pleading me to simply stop still and notice. The decor of four sweet girls feels like clutter and background noise to the foreground of "me" and "mine". Sudden territorial instincts bare their teeth. I thought these nets had fallen away since I'd caught that big fish. I wake up wishing it was time to go to bed, disinterested in the day. Grasping for "me" moments in the thin broth I've made for us all to swallow. Wallow in like an unmade bed. And I do swallow the stinging tears that fall down my cheeks as I crawl to my feet asking the same monotonous questions. Why is this pattern of feeling like I'm failing grace... His Love for me, ever repeating itself through the days like a faulty roll of film? There are the beginnings when I rise from a bed of hot tears and shame. And the middle parts, soft and full as a cool pillow. Where I lay my head silently filling myself with His forgiveness. Sitting there in the half light listening, waiting. My empty hands open, my tears cried out, my heart somehow healed in the baptism of saline. My body feeling like debris. Me the publican, unable to even lift my eyes heavenward.

Oh how the earth tugs. How it's gravity pulls me down. Yes, something deep within me remembers deep that I'm made of nothing but dust and water. Substance of the fields that grow both wheat and weeds. Yet the weeds take no careful hand to help them grow, the wheat, a little more so. I am clay. Fragmented from being hardened, moistened, shaped and broken over and over again. Has the Potter been trying to fashion me into a golden chalice for so long ?.... Still here I am a breaking, leaking, earthen pot. Since from the muddy ground I emerge once again. Dust myself down, allow the stains to evaporate into His light once more. How hard it is for a hurting heart to let go of the mess. To let Him just carry the burden, wash my feet, Heal my heart. And every time I am sure my vision is secure. Till once again I falter and fall. My King, you fell three times, yet I haven't stopped falling since we met. Both in love with you and over myself. I'm such an obstacle aren't I. It's not you. It's me. I quietly pray soft as a whisper, that somehow through it all, you are working in me still. Through these falterings, falls, tears, embraces, faltering falls again. Maybe that is what Hope is for.

 

Hope that the brokenness in me can be worked into good once I turn my face toward You again God. Doesn't good solid clay need a little tempering sand and grit to keep it strong? It's what I've heard. Maybe my "temper" will be the humility I've needed for the alchemy to happen. And one day this grit, dust, ashes, water of a soul will become gold in Your Hands.

  "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

  Part of Imperfect Prose Thursday over at In the Hush of the Moon

Isaiah 58, What the gospel Demands,... He to whom much is given....

I have been really struggling over the last week or so. Since watching this series of talks on what the gospel demands.... Especially this one. lIFE shattering! And reading Isaiah 58 daily as a bible study with some friends... ... Sincerely, I've come to question so much about the way we live- I live as a christian. What is God asking of us - me? I was born here in an affluent country. My geography has placed me at an advantage over my brothers and sisters in developing nations. Here I have been scanning the Internet for home school materials while another child cannot even afford to learn to read and write. I see pictures of horrific poverty from the comfort of a PC screen. And what is my response? Is it the response of a follower of Jesus? What does God want me to do with this advantage, this privilege, this position? Indulge myself and my own at the expense of those at the door. Throw scraps from the feast at my table to those with nothing across water and continent? Can we -I be a Christian. a follower of Jesus and also be rich? And I am, rich.

How rich are you? >> I'm loaded. It's official. I'm the 384,123,909 richest person on earth!

We (as a family) have thought along the lines that we are not really rich simply because the bills take nearly everything by the end of the month. But, the very fact that we have bills means we have mainline electricity and clean water on tap.... on tap! It also means we have shelter for our family and our own transportation. This means we are most certainly rich.

• More than one out of six people lack access to safe drinking water, namely 1.1 billion people, and more than two out of six lack adequate sanitation, namely 2.6 billion people

• According to estimates, 100 million people worldwide are literally homeless. They have no shelter: they sleep on pavements, in doorways, in parks or under bridges. Or they sleep in public buildings like railway or bus stations, or in night shelters set up to provide homeless people with a bed.

The estimated number of homeless increases to 1,000 million people if we include those in housing that is "very insecure or temporary, often of poor quality - for instance, squatters who have found accommodation by illegally occupying someone else's home or land and are under constant threat of eviction; those living in refugee camps whose home has been destroyed; and those living in temporary shelters (like the 250,000 pavement dwellers in Bombay)". This is according to a 1996 report by the UN Centre for Human Settlements (Habitat).

At the most basic economic level, homelessness is caused by poverty and unemployment. The poor simply cannot afford adequate shelter.

The numbers would surpass 1,000 million if we include "all people who lack an adequate home with secure tenure (ie, as owner-occupiers or tenants protected from sudden or arbitrary eviction) and the most basic facilities such as water of adequate quality piped into the home, provision for sanitation and drainage".

*

We've been really praying over this. Asking God, what can we do? I am coming to believe that He is calling me in His word to leave all in His hands, to trust more and more in providence. To turn away from the fear that leads to tying up all our resources in accounts, insurances, pensions, and mortgages. There are so many who cannot afford housing which is a basic human need, simply because so many who can afford, stretch budgets to buy up property thus pushing the prices above and beyond what is acceptable or affordable. As I read and listen I see that really all we have been given are gifts from His hand, everything we have belongs to Him not us. How would God use the resources we have as Christians? Would He say go ahead, it's okay to have more than you need while there are people dying at the door? Or would God use what we have to clothe the naked, help the lost, feed the hungry, counsel the sorrowful? Some of us are given much so, that we can give much for His glory. Luke 12:48 "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." God gives us a time to embrace His love, grace, forgiveness and prosperity in His land for the time to pass along the abundance, the "overflowing cup" to our neighbours standing with empty hands before us. Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Deuteronomy:26 1-2 "When you have entered the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance and have taken possession of it and settled in it, take some of the firstfruits of all that you produce from the soil of the land the LORD your God is giving you and put them in a basket." Can being a Christian really become a state of mind and heart only? Doesn't living water not become stagnant and stale when not allowed to flow freely, from the plentiful river to the trickling stream to the empty cup in a child's hand? Faith in the word will transform my heart and mind till giving up and following becomes the only way to go. A narrowing road that leads only to life. A fearless road that trusts in providence in a radical way. A hard to see road that clears a way for the kingdom of God before the kingdoms of this world. Jesus put it plainly, he cut everything through with the sharp edge of the truth. He said, "Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth." Speaking to the rich man who wanted to follow Him Jesus said... " How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God. For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." We often think of nuns and monks who take vows of poverty, as something special. But their simplicity of living, believing, being is surely nothing but the basic acceptance of the gospel message for all Christan's. Can we be Christians who spend weekends shopping for more, making Christmas lists that indulge our every lust and engorge our homes with more "stuff".... Be in the mindset that always says bigger, better, more?.... Can we (I) as Christians hoard money, insure every inch of our lives, buy expensive food or products that have been bought for less than the farmer who grows them or the factory worker who sews them can live onto be shipped half way across the world for our convenience?... Is it possible? When a (conservative estimate) of over 25,000 children die each day from hunger.

Which is equivalent to:

• 1 child dying every 3.5 seconds
• 17-18 children dying every minute
• A 2004 Asian Tsunami occurring almost every 1.5 weeks
• An Iraq-scale death toll every 16–38 days
• Over 9 million children dying every year
• Some 70 million children dying between 2000 and 2007

Can we really say that we are followers of a gospel that says GIVE, at every turn? Is Jesus unacceptable to me the way He really is? I pray, pray, pray that I can accept Jesus and His word the way it is. And I pray, pray, pray that I can become acceptable to Him through living it like I believe it. Yes, Really believe it. Not just for the day that it suits me, but for the day when it doesn't. Cos' if I did- we did, really did believe ... Maybe the Kingdom really would come. The Kingdom that is an upside down, back to front kind of a place... When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying... " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." But if we take the comforting words of the Bible to sooth and strengthen us, surely we must also take the ones that are hard and challenging with just the same confidence. Exodus 12:8 "That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast" And don't these words, if really believed change perspective, transform heart, radically alter mindset and turn life upside down and back to front. In these passages from scripture, God is confronting us with the consequences of throwing scraps to the poor and walking grandly in our own self built cocoon of affluence. Luke 16:19-31

"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

" 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

Isaiah 3: 14 - 26

The LORD enters into judgment against the elders and leaders of his people: "It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses

What do you mean by crushing my people and grinding the faces of the poor?" declares the Lord, the LORD Almighty.

The LORD says, "The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles.

Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald."

In that day the Lord will snatch away their finery: the bangles and headbands and crescent necklaces, ¹⁹ the earrings and bracelets and veils, ²⁰ the headdresses and ankle chains and sashes, the perfume bottles and charms, ²¹ the signet rings and nose rings, ²² the fine robes and the capes and cloaks, the purses ²³ and mirrors, and the linen garments and tiaras and shawls.

Instead of fragrance there will be a stench; instead of a sash, a rope; instead of well-dressed hair, baldness; instead of fine clothing, sackcloth; instead of beauty, branding.

Your men will fall by the sword, your warriors in battle.

The gates of Zion will lament and mourn; destitute, she will sit on the ground.

*

Ezekiel 16:49 "'The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them. * What it comes down to for me is is the Bible the truth. Is Jesus telling the truth. Do I believe it? * Thessalonians 2 "They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness." * The modern "rich" christian church has, in many ways become a powerful delusion. A cover up for a false religion. * James: 1 - 27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." * Culture, consumerism and materialism have become a powerful delusion. The only way to see through the delusion is to accept the truth to the point where it can be transformative in our lives. There are Christians dying and persecuted all over the world right now. And I wonder would we -I be able to stand up and suffer for Jesus in the same way. Right now I don't think I would. If I can't even follow the basics how will I ever have the strength to face the real tests of faith that so many Christan's have had to face over the centuries. Grace is given in the giving. If I can't give, how can I receive? Revelation 3: 15-18 "'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. ¹⁸I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. " I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to be blind to the suffering of 30000 children and countless more adults and old people every day. I don't want to simply throw scraps from my abundance. I want to learn how to give from my poverty. Like Deepa. Lord, awaken me to the suffering world, Give me the grace to give of myself, my time, my resources, my abundance, Knowing that they are yours not mine Each person a unique child in your sight beloved to you Give me eyes to see as you see The ears to hear the cries that you hear The faith to believe Your word truly as it is. Heal our comfort hardened hearts. Amen. Matthew 5 -13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage." If We don't Live it properly, who will?

When your wound reveals your hidden life.

I'm trying to hide my wounds. Been trying.
Truth doesn't always look pretty. Beauty, real beauty comes at a cost.

The real kind of beautiful shatters all images.
It can't be seen on the outside of life, the pleasant, painted exteriors. This kind of beautiful can only be touched by the heart, the upper chamber, the secret place.

The path is narrow isn't it? That wasn't just a saying.

So narrow, at times, I think I might have to fold myself into nothing just to walk it. And steep.
The air is so thin, didn't really imagine that.

In my head were pictures of transfiguration's, lush greenness, hope budding wild flowers along the way.
...Scenes from the book of "Beautiful".

The real way is all darkness to the eyes, it's only beautiful to the soul.

Seems I was rescued from the cross, only to be given the choice to take it up again.

But this time for Love not the consequences of pain and fear.

And I want to, in His embrace I want to. But then the burden comes and I shrink away.

I forget that He will bring the breath, and the strength and the journey. All He asks is I bring myself, real, true, broken, wounded as I am.

He recognises my beauty through my wounds.

But when I feel so far away from refreshment, and the clarity of clean, clear, reviving air that I start to lose consciousness of what really matters, where my life really comes from. I become muddled and distracted.

I let too many thoughts crowd Him out. And a thousand voices mingle like debris around me like strangers at a party and I feel just as lonely. I wonder, am I alive still beneath it?
Has he held onto me even when I let my hand slip away?
Busy with my own "My chasing's after the wind".

I have motives I don't want others to see.
I want the honey and the sweetness, but without the sting of the bee.

I want God's breath to live inside of me but I don't want the brokenness that let's it in.
Making me touch the sharp shards, the edges of my nothingness, my emptiness, the truth of me, when I'm left to my own devices.

I gaze at the false pictures of me that flatter my walls. There are ones that look like a good imitation of everything I want to be. Holy, simple, true, pure in heart, peaceful, childlike, gentle...
Humble.
All the while knowing I'm gazing in the wrong direction. I should be looking for Him.
As the lover in Song of Songs, ran barefoot through the streets after her beloved...

I plaster, paint and build. Yet love causes me to tear down, peel back, expose the naked structure, the wound of my heart.

I know that those pieces, those images of goodness that decorate the walls of my house are like fragments of truth buried deep in my soul. And they are the shore I keep trying to sail toward in my small boat, on a tide that has been turned against it by the gravity of "me".
They are fragile images of my true life "hidden" with Him. And sometimes they haunt, ache, tremble, weep.
Like memories that reflect from the water's surface of what was once and could yet be.

But without His grace all I'm left with is the truth of me. Empty images of beauty that cover the cracks like cheap make up.
The harshness of my voice rasping from the parched land within.
The stone that is my heart, beating without love, just ambition and pride.
The dress I wear to give others an impression of who I am or (who I want to be).
Without really being.
The stuff I think I need to become closer, closer to completion? Like a never ending project that only demands deadlines (and a documented proof of existence).

So this becoming? What is that?

"The beginning of Me is the end of you. You can't make or build this image. Dig down deep, giving yourself away to love. piece
by piece. Till.
All that's left, is Me."

And I gaze at the face of Love, and the heart exposed. Wounded weeping. Salt tears, of baptism.

The desert hermits found God, carrying nothing in their hands but wounds.
Their longing was the loudest call. Louder even than their lives.
Their longing gave all away to purchase a field with a treasure. And the treasure.
Was it their own heart?
Alive, beating, real, deep, down,
down in the dark earth.
A heart resurrected by His Blood. His life. His breath.

Their wounds raised, not hidden and festering, but open wide to the healing Breath.

And they looked like fools didn't they?
Wearing their garlands of thorns.
Still how they must of gleamed like crowns in the sunlight.

..."and you will find rest for your souls"...

"learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light”

Jesus says there is a rest that comes with carrying the burden He gives.
Maybe this peace will not be for the body, neither the heart or the mind perhaps, but for the soul Jesus says here the soul will find it's rest. Embracing His burden, His yoke.

Maybe Jesus is saying that true peace can only be found when all is given for the soul, all is carried for the soul.
A deep peace for simply trying to do what God wills. Both simple and hard.

This peace comes along with the humble and gentle spirit which Jesus asks us to learn from Him.

These words humble and gentle rise and fall upon my heart. And I feel the sorrow of their absence well within. How I pray for them. How very far I am from them. I see patient, loving, generous, brave long suffering souls all around. While truly, I am like little fragments of mediocrity glued together by pride lol :)

A humble heart gives no resistance. A humble heart will not strive against humiliations but will embrace them.
And gentleness, is soft, crushed perhaps, broken? Probably. An empty state that cannot take or assert anymore, only give and accept.

A gentle heart must feel God's Love for hearts and their absolute need for His. Maybe only in carrying some of the burden of the broken is there relief, for the gentle soul.

And a humble spirit will stand aside while trusting simply in the stillness for itself. Knowing somehow, someway, He will come and lead her on with nothing of itself to give Him but it's willingness to be lead.

And there will not be that nagging fear of world's demands or standards or ideals. A humble and gentle spirit will be quenched by His will alone.

And there will be the rest.

There in the giving of all, to the carrying of Love's burden....

Ambition, ideals, idols, wants, desires, curiosities, failings, proofs, doubts...

There He will be with open arms giving,

The Peace Only He May Give.

Rich Christians in an age of Hunger.... (More Prayerful Thoughts)

"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families."
Isaiah 58

"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.'Mathew 25

James 5:1 Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries which are coming upon you.

Luke 6:24 "But woe to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full.

Luke 16:25 "But Abraham said, 'Child, remember that during your life you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted here, and you are in agony.

1 Timothy 6:9 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

He who gives to the poor will lack nothing,
but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses.
Proverbs 28


Photo credit Mio Cade

Simple Spirituality.

I have just finished reading a book called Simple Spirituality by Christopher L. Heuertz from "Word made Flesh" international ministry. It has really spoken to my heart so deeply.

I just wanted to share it with you all here.

Here is a quote from the preface:

" Though he was on a mission, Jesus was not simply a missionary to the poor. He was poor. He joined the suffering of humanity and entered into the human struggle from the day he was born in the manger till the moment he was executed on the cross. In Jesus we see God entering this world as a baby refugee in the middle of a genocide, wandering the streets with " no place to lay his head" and dying next to two bandits on the imperial cross. It is this Jesus who we are invited to follow. Like the world in which Jesus was born, ours is one of big beasts and little prophets. There are many giants that stand in the way of God's dream. But the great irony is that we have a God that uses the foolish things to confound the wise, the weak things to shame the strong. The great paradox and humour of God's audacious power is this: a stuttering prophet will be the voice of God, a barren old lady will become the mother of a nation, a shepard boy will become their king, and a homeless baby will lead them home."


.The book is a really wonderful testimony to Jesus's core message. The author worked with mother Teresa in Calcutta and relates some of his experiences with great compassion and humility

Here is a PdF link to the word made flesh ministry http://www.wordmadeflesh.org/learn/fall2005.pdf_________________

Poverty

One image after another. Passed across the internet, newspapers, television, cinema screens, Music concerts.

Of children dying senslessly of preventable illnesses, teenage women working 16 hr days in sweat shops, suffocating poverty, environmental disasters.

It leaves me completly overwhelmed and empty at the same time.

These images of vulnerable people are passed on, it sometimes seems, as a legitamate way of making a difference.

I can watch, feel awful, pass on the message. Pass on.

Pass by.

Yet like these celebrities, clicking their fingers, the irony makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I don't want to "pass on" pass by. A face that cares but does not change in response.

Also, I must admit that unlike the people on this ad clicking their fingers, I don't have any personal wealth to give, and I'm surley not about to attain any. So what more can I do but watch?

Maybe the greatest difference I am able to make right now comes down to what I can leave out of my life than what I can give from it. Maybe it's about what I choose to do with what I have, however small.

As mother Theresa said so well " We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

I have recently put a fairtrade button on my sidebar, this is something I can do.

I can also choose to by my clothes from second hand charity shops or ethical online stores that stock fair trade. I can make my own clothes even! I can choose to buy fairtrade food. Local food from local suppliers. I can even grow my own in an allotment or in a tub in my own back yard. I can stop buying toys for my kids that are probably made by kids in a factory on the other side of the world.

I can go to reycling centres, charity shops for furniture. I can buy secondhand. I can stop buying new gold that is mined by children in Africa who risk their lives everyday. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CDwJRz6ySU

I have another button on my sidebar for writing to persecuted prisoners abroad. This is something I can do too. As is being an advocate for cases involving human justice through organisations like Amnesty International. I can write.

I can choose to live simply. Use what I need and when I have no use for it any more, pass it on to somebody else.

It has been easy for me to think I need alot of things to be happy, normal, respectable, respected.

A nice neighbourhood to live in, a larger house, a better car, a great collection of cd's, dvd's, books, elegant clothes, toiletries, ornaments, kitchen wear, accesories, highlights in my hair, baby equiptment, toys, possesions that make a staement about who I am, what I believe in. Possesions that define what sort of social bracket I fit into.

Lifestyles are sold to us all the time, as is disatisfaction. I can choose not to buy into the illusion.

I can choose to make up sandwiches for homeless people in my area or volunteer at a soup kitchen every once in a while.
Every day is a gift from God. How can I best show gratitude for that gift? Can I give it back with something more, from myself like the man with the talents. I can increase the value of the gifts I have been given in my life by doing something with them.

I can cut down my children's programs and give that money to children who can't even afford to learn to read. I can do that.

I can visit the old, the sick, the widows in my neighbourhood, offer a helping hand or just stay with them and listen.

I can prioritize.

I can do more than simply watch and click and then watch as others watch and click after me.

Everything that God has blessed me with He has blessed me with for a reason.

And what he has given me does not actually belong to me. Even if I have earned something with my talents I have been given those talents my God.

While my sister lies hungry in Africa I should not be filling my grocery bags with the choicest food. I have not been blessed so that I can indulge without thought.

Sometimes all I do is click my fingers and wait. Wait for somebody else to make the change.

But I can do.

I can pray.


Lord open my eyes to what I can do today.

Let me see my neighbour in the stranger, in the lonley, in the lost.

So that I may stop to help him somehow, in someway ,

Not simply pass on or pass by to the other side of the road.

Lord give me ears that I may hear.

Your voice calling in the homeless, the hungry, the needy, the grieving, the broken, the sorry.

Take my hand and tell me to walk. Lead me to the places where I may find you,

Heal me of my paralysis, when I feel so overwhelmed that I can't do everything,

Give me something, something I can do.

In this day I have been blessed with.

Help me find a way to give the gift back to you.

Disarmed.

I have started to do something different in my prayers with my children recently.

I have felt the need to open my hands out as I pray instead of holding them together which is how I was always taught.

We had an extraordinary priest come to visit our church a few months ago. His name was Father David. He was visiting from Zimbabwe where he helps run and orphange for children whose parents have died, usually from Aids related illnesses and a house for lepers. His place is called Mother of Peace and there is a link to it on my sidebar.

Father David spoke about a little baby who had been brought to the orphanage in a terribly dehydrated condition. The little baby had no one left to care for him. He didn't even have a name. Father David cared for this child as he died. Loved him as he passed from this world to the next.

And when his tiny, malnourished body was laid to rest in his little coffin Father David laid his own rosary between his little, limp hands.

On the child's little wooden cross they had carved. "God knows" And Father gave the child his own name "David."

Everytime Father David prayed during mass he invited the congregation to lift their open palms as we prayed with him.

This felt very special.

As I raised my hands I was aware of the emptiness I found between them. Yet there was presence also.

I guess the emptiness was mine and the presence was God's.

I was also aware of how the the action of opening out my arms left me disarmed. I was vulnerable.

I was offering something of myself. From my heart.

Yet I was embracing something also. As far as I was giving, as I was opening my arms, disarming myself, surrendering, I was also recieving. My hands were cupped to drink life and at the same time except the nails of the cross. My heart was exposed to except God's loving embrace, his strength and warmth yet also the wounding of love, the sorrow of love.

This must be a daily disarmement for Father David and other's like him. As he bathes lepers and feeds malnourished, abandoned infants. The wound of love in his heart can only be healed by trying to heal others.

By the emptiying of open hands, cupped to give in the same way they recieve.

http://www.motherofpeace.co.uk

From the Ground

You know how sometimes you think your have it all figured out. Then suddenly life pushes it up a gear and you realise it was never you who was in control. It was God's strength and guidance all along.

Sometimes we have to face a broken reflection in the mirror. Love does not always look pretty. Sometimes it is messy. It does not come bound in a beautifully organised binder. Sometimes all the plans and schedules are laid to waste. God alone is working his plan through us. Broken branches falling back to their roots.

I am learning I cannot "organise" God out of my life. His plan is greater than mine. Sometimes a life airbrushed to perfection is more to do with outside expectations than God's will.

Christ lives through the broken, the hidden, the forgotton and the messy, difficult relentless trials more often than through the strong, showy, well presented, respectable, success stories.

It doesn't all come down to the end "result", the checked list, the achieving of every aim I think I ought. It's about accepting the times when my plans fail, however hard I try. Allowing these times to reflect my pride, self assurance, true weaknessness, so that I may grow closer to the truth. My design is not always His design.

For it is from the ground that we are raised up. To touch that ground is to touch the debris of stars. I am close to my saviour here.

walking in the night...

Sometimes I've feel disorientated.

Sometimes, I feel completly overwhelmed and unable to take another step.

Sometimes I've feel alone, and paralysed. My body heavy as clay in the still air.

At these times I am forced to be at rest. I am forced to wait. Forced to recognise my frailty and weakness. Forced to listen to the smallest whispers of my soul.

Sometimes, it feels that we are left with only a candle of faith kept alight by the breath of hope to guide us.

Walking in the depth of a valley from which we can see nothing beyond the height of the mountains surrounding us. And in this place God meets us as we are. His lost children. Naked and shivering as winter trees in a storm.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

I am often comforted by this extract from St. Therese of Lisieux in her book "Story of a Soul"

"The very fact that, left to myself, I could do nothing, made my task seem all the more simple; there was only one thing for me to do, unite myself more and more to God, knowing that He would give all the rest in addition.

This was no vain hope; no matter how often I have to feed the souls of my Sister, my hand is always full.
I assure you that had I acted in any other way, had I relied upon my own resources, I should have had to lay down my arms at once."

As our steps quicken through this valley we are forced to through off all that encumbers. Our fears, our ideas, our attachments to things.

We are forced to walk a straight and narrow road because we are walking in the darkness. Just as we are at pains to take care not to stumble in the middle of the night.
I'm holding on, clinging on to Jesus's hand. To the strands of love and peace and joy that fray from the hem of his robes.

Jesus is the light of the world and the holy spirit came upon the apostles only once He had assended. It seemed to them that he had gone, but he was there more than ever before.
He was inside them.

In my Brokeness

FRAZZLED

Frazzled.

Sometimes one simple word just absolutely, wonderfully encapsulates a feeling in both it's descriptive imagery and it's sound.

The texture of the word frazzled just tingles the edges of my mouth. It's definitely a mental form of pins and needles. And yes, as you may have guessed, today I am feeling a little tired ;)

There was a time, when I had all the time in the world.
Melancholy lingered like a stale fragrance through many of those days. Why? I was free wasn't I? Free of responsibility, free to do whatever I pleased, so why did my freedom feel so much like shackles rubbing against my skin? Why now when my life is a mirage of ceaseless activity does my mind (however frazzled) exhale into a gentle peace at the end of each day.

Jesus has been there for me during times when I half ignored him. Even when I was hardly aware of him he recognised the lost child behind the vacant stare. He followed me along dark roads and held my hand even when I didn't notice it. He walked with me even when I did not walk with him. He reached for me beneath the debris of many broken days and from the shattered shards of my past he created a beautiful picture as a design for my future and invited me to step into it and make it real.

I so badly want to become worthy of the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

So no matter how "frazzled" I may sometimes feel, I know that every spare inch of my life is used for the purpose it was designed for. Because the experiences I go through by leaning on his understanding instead of my own are the ones that will bring me closer to to HIM.
IN MY BROKENNESS

So often it seems I am given such joy if I am able to give praise through both the ups and downs.

I remember a time in the past when when I was carrying our second daughter and we were desperately trying to find a house. Many, trials came to test us, during that time and I kept praying, through my tears for God to offer solutions. To magic away all our struggles, like a magician with a wand.

These were all the wrong prayers. We needed to go through that time. We needed to face these problems with God.

And it is true that God often only shows us the reason's for our experiences after the fact.

That time in our lives taught me to hold true, endure and keep faith no matter what. There is a greater plan at work that we cannot always be aware of.

If we had not been in such difficult circumstances we would never have met one of the most special people in our lives. This was someone who simply saw another in need of a temporary shelter and took them in without question. The message of the gospels acted out and lived. This person has now become an adopted grandparent to my girls and an adopted mother to us. A truly wonderful person, we are so lucky to know and love.

God's grace is not always about incredible ecstatic experiences. The holy spirit's fire does not always set our hearts aflame and sometimes our experiences and day to day issues seem far removed from what we assume is holy but every small challenge, however ordinary, presents an opportunity for growth.

Sometimes the spirit moves inside us with just a gently glowing candle.

Sometimes we are called out into the desert, where difficulties seem almost to much to bear and God seems just to far out of reach. This desert experience is referred to within many religions not just Christianity. Yet it is in the wilderness that we learn to seek God first. Sometimes we have to go through desolate times in order to allow God's presence to increase in our lives and allow our sense of self to decrease. In the aboriginal culture, one of the rights of passage for young men is to go out into the bush on a "walkabout" They are sent out into the desert where they must survive, alone, until they are able to find their own way back home.

Sometimes we are called to endure things on God's grace alone. But there are many oasis in the desert that he has provided for us to drink from on our journey and in the end, we are often lead to a better place than the one we had left behind.

I heard a wonderful quote many years ago: "Suffering is the womb of truth" And it continues to echo in my heart to today. Suffering is where we grow in understanding of the truth, the truth about ourselves and the truth about God.

It seems that God often asks for us to come forward first.

Believing opens our eyes to seeing just as giving opens our heart to receiving.

Showing patience when the last thing you feel is patient brings with it the reward of patience.

Being grateful for every last blessing through the haze, of days, of ups and downs, through struggles and joys alike brings with it the reward of contentment.

Forgiving ~truly~ forgiving brings the reward of peace.

And Loving brings the greatest reward of all ~LOVE~


So I praise you Lord in my brokenness.


I praise you on my knees,


I come to you as a little child




I give you my tears


'Till they evaporate into your light.

To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
Isaiah lxi. 3.