In my Brokeness

FRAZZLED

Frazzled.

Sometimes one simple word just absolutely, wonderfully encapsulates a feeling in both it's descriptive imagery and it's sound.

The texture of the word frazzled just tingles the edges of my mouth. It's definitely a mental form of pins and needles. And yes, as you may have guessed, today I am feeling a little tired ;)

There was a time, when I had all the time in the world.
Melancholy lingered like a stale fragrance through many of those days. Why? I was free wasn't I? Free of responsibility, free to do whatever I pleased, so why did my freedom feel so much like shackles rubbing against my skin? Why now when my life is a mirage of ceaseless activity does my mind (however frazzled) exhale into a gentle peace at the end of each day.

Jesus has been there for me during times when I half ignored him. Even when I was hardly aware of him he recognised the lost child behind the vacant stare. He followed me along dark roads and held my hand even when I didn't notice it. He walked with me even when I did not walk with him. He reached for me beneath the debris of many broken days and from the shattered shards of my past he created a beautiful picture as a design for my future and invited me to step into it and make it real.

I so badly want to become worthy of the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

So no matter how "frazzled" I may sometimes feel, I know that every spare inch of my life is used for the purpose it was designed for. Because the experiences I go through by leaning on his understanding instead of my own are the ones that will bring me closer to to HIM.
IN MY BROKENNESS

So often it seems I am given such joy if I am able to give praise through both the ups and downs.

I remember a time in the past when when I was carrying our second daughter and we were desperately trying to find a house. Many, trials came to test us, during that time and I kept praying, through my tears for God to offer solutions. To magic away all our struggles, like a magician with a wand.

These were all the wrong prayers. We needed to go through that time. We needed to face these problems with God.

And it is true that God often only shows us the reason's for our experiences after the fact.

That time in our lives taught me to hold true, endure and keep faith no matter what. There is a greater plan at work that we cannot always be aware of.

If we had not been in such difficult circumstances we would never have met one of the most special people in our lives. This was someone who simply saw another in need of a temporary shelter and took them in without question. The message of the gospels acted out and lived. This person has now become an adopted grandparent to my girls and an adopted mother to us. A truly wonderful person, we are so lucky to know and love.

God's grace is not always about incredible ecstatic experiences. The holy spirit's fire does not always set our hearts aflame and sometimes our experiences and day to day issues seem far removed from what we assume is holy but every small challenge, however ordinary, presents an opportunity for growth.

Sometimes the spirit moves inside us with just a gently glowing candle.

Sometimes we are called out into the desert, where difficulties seem almost to much to bear and God seems just to far out of reach. This desert experience is referred to within many religions not just Christianity. Yet it is in the wilderness that we learn to seek God first. Sometimes we have to go through desolate times in order to allow God's presence to increase in our lives and allow our sense of self to decrease. In the aboriginal culture, one of the rights of passage for young men is to go out into the bush on a "walkabout" They are sent out into the desert where they must survive, alone, until they are able to find their own way back home.

Sometimes we are called to endure things on God's grace alone. But there are many oasis in the desert that he has provided for us to drink from on our journey and in the end, we are often lead to a better place than the one we had left behind.

I heard a wonderful quote many years ago: "Suffering is the womb of truth" And it continues to echo in my heart to today. Suffering is where we grow in understanding of the truth, the truth about ourselves and the truth about God.

It seems that God often asks for us to come forward first.

Believing opens our eyes to seeing just as giving opens our heart to receiving.

Showing patience when the last thing you feel is patient brings with it the reward of patience.

Being grateful for every last blessing through the haze, of days, of ups and downs, through struggles and joys alike brings with it the reward of contentment.

Forgiving ~truly~ forgiving brings the reward of peace.

And Loving brings the greatest reward of all ~LOVE~


So I praise you Lord in my brokenness.


I praise you on my knees,


I come to you as a little child




I give you my tears


'Till they evaporate into your light.

To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
Isaiah lxi. 3.