Wednesday, July 29, 2020

New Year Ponderings...

First of all I would like to thank you for your comforting words :0) Tilly is on the mend. Thanks be to God! She is playing with Emmy with her Christmas toys as I write. We are all feeling so light today just knowing she is getting well again :0) And I find as I look outside today, I am enamoured by the still and stark white, brown and grey hues of winter in the square whitewashed houses and slate roofs, brittle trees and frost tingeing the edges of the windows. All seems to have quietened into a moratorium of repose. something well needed. "For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, "In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15 * Last night Tani and I were talking and he was telling me about how when he was a kid he had an old rucksack that he used to keep a homemade "survival kit " in. This survival equipment consisted of know more than a few special stones, flints, a penknife, a favourite book, a pencil and some scrap paper:0) "With this bag I could do anything. I could go anywhere, I could go to the ends of the earth and know I would be okay, I had everything I needed to survive" How simple, how childlike, how wonderful such thinking is. ... No first aid kit, map, food or water in this "Survival Kit!" Children know better than that! Intuitively. Survival... the kind that can bring you through anything, right to the frayed edges of life, depends on more than the basic physical provisions. “That's why I'm telling you to stop worrying about your life—what you will eat or what you will drink—or about your body—what you will wear. Life is more than food, isn't it, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky. They don't plant or harvest or gather food into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. You are more valuable than they are, aren't you? Can any of you add a single hour to the length of your life by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Consider the lilies in the field and how they grow. They don't work or spin yarn, but I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. Now if that is the way God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and thrown into an oven tomorrow, won't he clothe you much better—you who have little faith? “So don't ever worry by saying, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ because it is the gentiles who are eager for all those things. Surely your heavenly Father knows that you need all of them! But first be concerned about God's kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be provided for you as well. " So I am taking my little metaphorical rucksack into the morning of the New Year with me :0) Filled with a little soul food..., a few soul provisions:0) Something that can nourish and sustain from the time I first look out of the frost tinged window, right through to the ebbing glint of evening light. Something that will steady my gaze along the horizon. The one that calls me on from the depth of my heart. The Kingdom. His Kingdom. My eyes will be diverted and distracted many times as they always are, but I know that all He asks is that I keep remembering to bring them back to seek His face once again. And I will falter and trip and fall and waver and fail as I always have done before. When I will try to take my strength from my own provisions rather than the manna freely offered. The bread I cannot store up for tomorrow however hard I try. The bread that is offered for each day as it comes. The bread that feeds from sun up to sundown, leaving only faith to bring me to tomorrow's offering. But I know that all He asks is that I give thanks for His giving and try to use what is given to give to others in return. Really I only need carry these essentials. And the yoke is easy and the burden light, when I put down all the things I think I need, to store, carry, hold on to. Things that wear me down and crush my soul as they over feed my senses and my body. Till am so full of the coarse dry, heavy dough of my own making, there is no room left to take the sweet manna anymore. Yet no matter how I flail and flounder, He will still be there in the horizon. His sun rising new each morning when I open my curtains and look out of the frost tinged window. He will still be there. "Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away." Matthew 24:35 "And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

"Casting the first stone" ( One of my first ever blog posts revisited !)

Matthew 7

Judge not, that ye be not judged.

For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

Single teenage mothers, the homeless, unruly kids, rebellious adolescents, the long term unemployed in receipt of benefits, asylum seekers, the overweight.... opinion lingers even if only in the heart at times. So often it is those who need faith most who often reject it because they feel themselves rejected by the faithful.
Why the exclusivity when Jesus loved inclusively? Many of the people (celebrities included) who end up on the front covers of daily rags and who wait for ridicule upon the sofas of TV talk and reality shows are, in truth, the most vulnerable members of society, The lost, the lonely the fearful, the desperate and the disturbed .
They are least esteemed by the world, yet most in need of acceptance and support from the world. We hear of the "failures" "losers" and "good for nothings" People, who like it or not are made in the image and likeness of God himself often with stories to tell of pain, suffering, guilt, frustration... Can I simply stop and listen, engage.... love. Instead of Judge. Beneath the the stony grit of life there grows such faint, fragile hope. Not all seeds are sown on lush ground. There are battles that go unseen, unnoticed, battles that are hidden in the soft soil of a breaking heart, a troubled mind. If somebody comes from a place of pain and struggle, being judged, patronised, ridiculed or even worse ignored by average "acceptable" (or even worse Christian) society will only compound their isolation. Isolation in itself forces some to break away even further from conventional society. Those who are marginalised often end up disenfranchised in more ways than economically. 
Acceptance is a reconciling experience. To be offered shelter and security is a humbling one. And to be shown love is to be touched by God.
In a homily I heard a number of years ago, the priest said. "You can do no harm by loving someone. No harm can come from love." It sounds so simple at first. Yet this is the most primary Christian message of all: to Love. Questions of differences, law, legality, ideology can become distracting. Loves washes away all that is superfluous, till all that is left is purity truth. In essence, God.
Love is fluid when it is of God. It moves like water and water seeps through every space, however small. It must reach everyone.
When I write this I recall the times in the past when I was one of the lost and broken. Not that I'm not still a little broken! Aren't we all :0) Broken yes but lost no. I have found my loving father and my dearest friend in my God. Yet I didn't find Him on my own. I found Him through the unconditional love of those who chose not to judge me even though my life was tattered and torn and drenched in sin. Those that chose only to be a friend to me even though I let them down many times at first. Those who gave the gift of a smile and a few kind, accepting words, even when I acted ungratefully and defensively, secretly feeling unworthy and undeserving. Those that lent, gave and offered even though I couldn't repay. Those who showed tolerance of the many awkward mistakes I made. as I stumbled along upon a path so new to me. Those who helped me were followers of the Gospel and the Living God. Who chose to live their faith on the road of hard knocks so they could reach out to some wayward soul who was simply looking for a place to call home. The narrow path is often not a swift ascent to heavenly heights, but a dusty, rubble covered road, much like the way of Calvary. On it I will come across not only sublime choral chants and angels robed with white but the weary and wasted, the difficult and the disrupting. And I must remember that behind all appearances there hides the face of Jesus in all men.

Sharing a Prayer...

May you have peace within today.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of you who choose to claim it.

Give

Give over thine own willing, give over thine own running, give over thine own desiring to know or be anything, and sink down into the Seed which God sows in thy heart, and let that be in thee, and grow in thee, and breathe in thee, and thou shalt find by sweet experience that the Lord knows that and loves and owns that, and will lead it to the inheritance of life, which is his portion... Isaac Penington

Sharing a post .....

Poverty's not just a state of mind; it's an openness of heart, a willingness to love those who do not love me or are incapable of loving because they are in so much pain. Poverty's more than a promise to be with others in their pain; it's a presence, a power to be make present God's love here and now in the midst of my own pain. Poverty's the power to consecrate through the power of God -- the nothingness, the void within, and to create community... friendship... peace. Poverty's an emptying of self and the experience of my own emptiness. "Though He was as one with God, He did not deign equality to God something to be grasped at. Rather He emptied Himself and put on the nature of a slave." Poverty's the freedom to be Christ for others as others are Christ Jesus for me. Poverty's acknowledging, yes, even embracing the limitations that I have so that God can fill them. So when I act, it is God moving and acting in me. A small part of a beautiful post over at .... I encourage you to take a moment to read these reflections on what it is to love. True grace here... Caritas Christi Urget Nos! Why Did I Enter the Convent?

Simple Love

+ The Flowers Being Warmed + by florian.b. 

 To love like a child. There's not much pure, vulnerable, childlike love in the world it seems. Yet maybe those that do open their hearts to love in this way, live in this way even, actually hold the broken pieces we do have together... We have so much to learn from children like Ashley's sister. Children don't over-complicate. They are simple, genuine, they are loyal, trusting and eager to reach out to both give and receive love. We try to find the origins to every word, turn ourselves inside out to distract ourselves from the real work of falling into Jesus's arms and loving others as he loves us. Loving when it's hard, loving when it's messy, loving when it hurts. Not giving up. Because He never gives up on us. It's not about who's wrong and who's right. It's about Jesus. And he keeps it simple, he says, it all begins and ends with love. That's the narrow road. Photo Credit florian.b

Made of Clay

I become distracted, overfilling myself with the wrong foods, carrying the wrong burdens, instead of simply taking His yoke. Till I am broken once again.


I become impatient. Desecrating sacred moments with dissatisfaction. Writhing anxiously with tasks incomplete. Aching. Deep. Emptiness. And somehow I forget all about the beauty that swells around me pleading me to simply stop still and notice. The decor of four sweet girls feels like clutter and background noise to the foreground of "me" and "mine". Sudden territorial instincts bare their teeth. I thought these nets had fallen away since I'd caught that big fish. I wake up wishing it was time to go to bed, disinterested in the day. Grasping for "me" moments in the thin broth I've made for us all to swallow. Wallow in like an unmade bed. And I do swallow the stinging tears that fall down my cheeks as I crawl to my feet asking the same monotonous questions. Why is this pattern of feeling like I'm failing grace... His Love for me, ever repeating itself through the days like a faulty roll of film? There are the beginnings when I rise from a bed of hot tears and shame. And the middle parts, soft and full as a cool pillow. Where I lay my head silently filling myself with His forgiveness. Sitting there in the half light listening, waiting. My empty hands open, my tears cried out, my heart somehow healed in the baptism of saline. My body feeling like debris. Me the publican, unable to even lift my eyes heavenward.


Oh how the earth tugs. How it's gravity pulls me down. Yes, something deep within me remembers deep that I'm made of nothing but dust and water. Substance of the fields that grow both wheat and weeds. Yet the weeds take no careful hand to help them grow, the wheat, a little more so. I am clay. Fragmented from being hardened, moistened, shaped and broken over and over again. Has the Potter been trying to fashion me into a golden chalice for so long ?.... Still here I am a breaking, leaking, earthen pot. Since from the muddy ground I emerge once again. Dust myself down, allow the stains to evaporate into His light once more. How hard it is for a hurting heart to let go of the mess. To let Him just carry the burden, wash my feet, Heal my heart. And every time I am sure my vision is secure. Till once again I falter and fall. My King, you fell three times, yet I haven't stopped falling since we met. Both in love with you and over myself. I'm such an obstacle aren't I. It's not you. It's me. I quietly pray soft as a whisper, that somehow through it all, you are working in me still. Through these falterings, falls, tears, embraces, faltering falls again. Maybe that is what Hope is for.

 
Hope that the brokenness in me can be worked into good once I turn my face toward You again God. Doesn't good solid clay need a little tempering sand and grit to keep it strong? It's what I've heard. Maybe my "temper" will be the humility I've needed for the alchemy to happen. And one day this grit, dust, ashes, water of a soul will become gold in Your Hands.

  "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

When the Spirit is upon us....

Yesterday my little girl Emmy became an adult in the church. She got confirmed! How the tears welled up from my heart, happy tears, till all they could do was roll themselves unselfconciously down my cheeks... My Father who is very ill made it somehow and what beauty came from that. He had tears in his eyes too. I caught them before he noticed. The air truly trembled with the breath of the holy spirit within the church. Joy in abundance! What a wonderful thing to witness! The Bishop spoke about what it means to truly live with the spirit in your life. He said, that the way we can best "be" Jesus in the world and give Jesus to others is to truly and authentically be ourselves. Having fidelity to our true nature and the places it leads us. I remember, years ago, thinking identity was like another layer, something you "put on". Maybe it was a collage made up of pieces of the people you most admired. Maybe it was a front that protected your heart from being broken by the world. Maybe it was following the rules that help you become popular in school. Or the value you got from being especially good at something. Maybe, sometimes, it just came down to a new dress and a coat of bright red lipstick. But those are just billboards. True identity is all about taking the layers off one by one. Becoming at one with your true life, the life hidden in Christ. The real true you! The you that fragments into others till you can feel their pain, forget to judge, understand and forgive their sin as you need them to yours. The fragments that turn you into a piece of a bigger picture. A body that goes out from itself again into the world to love and be loved. To fall apart again and to be healed. When the Holy Spirit touches us, no more do we belong to ourselves, but to something eternal. And now my child, my dear Emmy (emmanuelle - "God with us") goes out into the world her heart forever changed, enlarged, anointed, and beating now not only for her own life but for His too.

Once Upon a Morning...

Jesus: A word that opens the petals of a flower like the winking light 
The dawning day star blesses common dandelions and dog roses bedraggled like tangled seaweed trawling over a mermaid's navel, We fish the seas around, the sun that wakens us. Photot credit Brian Hathcock

when only the eternal...

What of this life will count the day only eternity remains what of the time Ive had the things Ive built, created, made, the fabric of each day displayed Undone and bare as a winter branch beneath transparent touch of truth, A blossom grows silently at the end of a branch, maybe, On that day, I may find the end of myself there too Doodle poem prompt ( in 60 secs or less) courtesy of LL) inspired by this

Begin at Once...

"Begin at once; before you venture away from this quiet moment, ask your King to take you wholly into His service, and place all the hours of this day quite simply at His disposal, and ask Him to make and keep you ready to do just exactly what He appoints. Never mind about tomorrow; one day at a time is enough. Try it today, and see if it is not a day of strange, almost curious peace, so sweet that you will be only too thankful when tomorrow comes to ask Him to take it also."
-- Francis Ridley Havergal * * *
"Let love be your highest goal..." 1 Corinthians 14:1 Beautiful words found here from here today....

Like a Child...

"Faith strips the mask from the world and reveals God in everything. It makes nothing impossible and renders meaningless such words as anxiety, danger, and fear, so that the believer goes through life calmly and peacefully, with profound joy - like a child, hand in hand with his mother." -Charles de Foucauld

What comes between me and God? "Notes to self"

What comes between me and the kingdom of God? Is it fear, doubt, possessions, work, distracting pleasures, societies rules, shyness, my need to control outcomes, lukewarmness, weariness. my ideas of "perfection"? To understand I have to pause. I have to turn off all background noise. However important or worthy that noise seems, however relentlessly it pursues, I must put God first in my heart. Uncluttered, uncompromising. True, clear. I have to put aside all that hinders, all that rises between myself and the voice at the center of my soul which whispers soft and true above the storm, "Peace be Still". God is a loving Father, and however many times I fall, fail and flail, He is there to fold me beneath His wing as soon as I turn toward Him. "Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22 There is no place deep, distant or dark enough to keep me from this Love unfailing. When all around seems in disarray I may turn toward His face. See Him, not the struggle. He will turn the struggle into a victory with my surrender a hundred times faster than with my striving. He works all things out for good and I can trust in Him like a child. The safe and steady hands of a carpenter shaping life and form and beauty from brittle wood. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." Psalm 127:1 I can fill the open page of days I'm given with a story of His love, with eternal words that spin beauty and love into this fragile world. "Nothing is important except that which is eternal." "If thou walk inwardly, thou shalt not weigh flying words....Let not thy peace be in the mouths of men." End quotes taken from "If" and "Rose from Brier" by Amy Carmichael

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

"Song of the Silent Snow" {Reposted}


A gleaming, snow blanket wraps around the streets as far as the eye can see. Shivering through web like trees, torn, frayed thin. Spun to emptiness.
Weeping beneath the last leaves. Draping a loose knit shawl across the shoulder of the hill. Filling deep the valley.

It absorbs all sound and silence lingers far and wide.

We've been starting school late every day for a while now. Loose ends left untied. Seemingly unravelling.
I have fought tired to repair and patch the fabric of these "lost hours" into clean cut, utilitarian aprons till today.

This morning refused to stir the silence and shatter it's precious, fragility.
My eyes blinked at the stark lace work frosted upon the windowpane.

The unusual view prompted a new perspective.

I would preserve the space it needed to sing it's new, quiet song within the usually crowded chambers of my own heart.
The chambers that fill so easily with the clattering sound of a hundred voices calling me in all directions. A high ceiling room with perfect acoustics for the voice of the world to resound loud.
Drilling and dashing against my soul like hail. Raging daily soliloquy. Underlining points, numbers and strategies like a squeaky marker across an office white board...

Fit in, conform, be diligent in recognisable ways, create commercial products, work toward tangible results, make sure your children will be marketable, learn valued subjects, hoard, cram, revise, memorise, repeat.

Yet I am walking two tight ropes at the same time. One high, they other low. And I am losing my footing on both.

Maybe, sometimes it is good to fall.
I'm learning this as I dust the white flakes from my brow.

I fall hard on days like today.

Days when I fall from my expectations.
The criteria and check lists I've used as security blankets tighter than straight jackets. And I fall blue and icy, my own breath barely escaping from my mouth.

And I realise the ties must come undone.

I must come undone.

The days when the straight roman road of what seems sensible, leaves me weak and I drift down some small lonesome path in the brush. And I fall under the cover of thorns and wildflowers.

Today the snow falls silent around me. And I am buried. My home has become an igloo.
The murmurs of the world half a hemisphere away.

Today I let myself drift into the white blank canvas of the snow's silent wisdom.
I close off the world and open my heart to Him alone.
And His list is so different, so radically different. A yoke that is easy, a burden that is light.
He whispers soft as snow fleece caught upon the breeze.


" Just sit here with me a while. Don't rush away.
Is there any task more important than this? This listening?
Have you been following my lead? Really?
Are you doing only the things needful, the things that will matter eternally?
Do you really trust me to take your children and you along the paths I dug out and laid in truth, just for their feet? Do you really trust me to take you down the paths that I carved for you long before you were born. Way back through the dendrites of time?
You are trying to follow two paths, and your soul is falling through the divide between them.

Simply come toward me. Lean into my words. Draw close."

But Lord, we have no back up plan, financial or otherwise. I never followed the conventional route and I suffered for it in ways I wish to preserve my children from. I am afraid sometimes.
I can't catch every ball.

The still, silent snow drifts deep. I am wading out bare foot.

"Don't you see. You don't have to.
Drop them, drop every one that isn't given by my hand."


How do I know which ones are given by your hand?

"Have enough faith to stop the merry - go - round.
Sit still, listen. Embrace your journey.
It won't look like most journeys.
Most journeys are a grasping outward. A reaching, a striving, a gaining of ground.
Your journey will be a letting go of all that hinders, all that is not necessary.
Your journey will not be about striving but resting, in me.
Your journey will not be about making but meaning.
It will seem invisible. Your footsteps light, white.
Unnoticeable, day after day.
Evaporating in the morning, like prints carved in snow.
But they will leave an indelible mark within.
And they will form a path.
And it will guide your children through.
From Winter to Spring.
From Death to Life.
From your cradle to my manger."

Wasn't the manger, an animal trough filled with hay?
Was Mary fearful too, that night in the cold, damp cave, the sounds of a strange land dashing against the curved silence of her heart?

Maybe she wasn't listening to the hundred different voices. Maybe she sought out only one to hear and follow.


"My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the low estate of His handmaiden,
For behold, henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.
He has shown strength with His arm:
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted those of low degree. He has filled the hungry with good things;
"


Maybe the winter trees have wisdom in their emptiness.
Maybe I should strive only to stay hungry.
Silent as snow.
So only He can be heard.
Magnified
Birthed.




Tuesday, November 07, 2017

When everything seems to fall apart

A few years ago I went through a really difficult illness which lead to a lot of health problems. During that time I had to stop homeschooling my four of my five children. We had, at that point, been homeschooling for seven years. It was a huge adjustment.

For a long time I felt abandoned by God. I felt that I had followed his direction in  my life and surrendered myself to the things He had planned for me and I wondered why I was made incapable of doing the very things I had felt so strongly lead to?

In truth, my prayer life had dwindled for a couple of years before the crisis.
After many years of renting and feeling like we would never be able to save enough for a deposit for a home of our own, some friends said that they had been lead in prayer to sell us their house for a price we could afford.
It was the kind of house I had always dreamed to raise a family in but never imagined I would ever have. I felt so incredibly overwhelmed by it all.

We settled into the new house but over time I began to feel guilty. I felt guilty for suddenly having so much. It seemed so undeserved. I thought about other families who hadn't been given such an amazing opportunity and it seemed unfair, wrong.
Yet while feeling I shouldn't have it I also felt terrified of losing it.
For years, I had contented myself with knowing that we  would probably never buy our own home and here we were not only in our own home but in our "dream" home.

Then something happened which turned the dream upside down. A few months after we moved in my husband was made redundant.
As a child, my family nearly lost our home. I had also experienced homelessness as a teen and young adult which made having my own home a huge thing for me.

Tani and I got really close during this time. He had kept the upcoming redundancy from me for months hoping a new job would materialize or that he could re-negotiate his old one. When it became clear that the company was in real trouble and redundancy was the only option he sat me down one evening and finally told me everything. He had tried to protect me for so long because that's what he does. He always stands in front of the storm for us. I will never know how much he must have worried during those months. He has had to provide for himself since immigrating as a refugee at the age of 16. Making sure we are all okay are what he does every day. He takes care of things. When he can't take care of things it devastates him.

I have always had a delayed reaction when processing things.
I know that I felt an intense fear that we would lose our new home during that time but it stayed very much under the surface. I kept busy (my coping strategy) with our normal homeschooling days as Tani stayed up late into the night searching for a new job, asking contacts about new positions,  updating his linked in profile and sending out his CV. After an intense two weeks  he was offered a new job. It would be a longer commute but it was in his field and it would cover the bills at a pinch. He subsequently, moved jobs twice again and focused 100% on progressing his career, in part driven by the fear of what had happened. Security suddenly became a priority for both of us. Whereas we had lived very much in trust of God's providence before, we now felt like the burden was entirely on our shoulders.

Tani is now in a great job with a comfortable salary but those years changed us. We became more materially driven. I'd never really understood materialism before this time. I had actually thought myself very un-materialistic. I guess I was quite proud of the fact and I probably judged people who I thought were less "unattached.". I often wondered how someone could be so caught up in their own little world and blind to the problems of those outside of that narrow field of vision.
 God has managed to put me in so many varied positions in my life that at this point, I find it almost impossible to judge anyone. It is very humbling, very truth revealing. I now realize how materialistic I really was underneath it all because as soon as I had something I really valued I was terrified of losing it and found it almost impossible to simply "leave it in God's hands."

God works in the soil of the heart. You can't always see the progress or the fruit of what you go through, sometimes all you can see is dry, cold, barren looking earth.  It's only at some later date when the tender new spring shoots emerge that you realize how much has been going on during winter. The spiritual path is strange and winding and beyond my comprehension. I don't claim to be a guide. I can barely keep one foot in front of another without stumbling myself. I just know that if you follow your love you will find yourself in positions you never thought you would be in, you will go through many things both hard and beautiful, you will learn much about your limitations and you will come into the light again and again and what was confounding will illumine and clarify again and again. It is a continual renewing, a becoming, and a transforming process.
I often think of what Blessed Mother Teresa said about taking care with your promises to God because he will take you on your word. When we begin our spiritual path we are so full of zest and enthusiasm!
I also smile at the Persian poet Hafez's words:

"To the great Journey of Love?
First there is wonderful laughter

And probably precious tears
And a hundred sweet promises

And those heroic vows

No one can ever keep.
But still God is delighted and amused

You once tried to be a saint."


Perhaps we only ever come to the fullness of truth through failure as well as success.
What would have happened if the prodigal son had never squandered the last of his father's money? What if he had sensibly invested it? Would he have ever returned to his Father's house? Would he have ever known the depth of his Father's mercy and love?

So I am trying to make my way again. Find pockets of stillness throughout my day and instead of filling them with the noise of social media turning inward just as the trees and plants are doing this time of year. I am prying the prayers of the church. The old ones that clarify and comfort in a way nothing else can. I am going to quietly write my journey here as a way of documenting my thoughts and as a way of  letting anyone else who might have experienced similar things that they are not alone in their walk.

During those years I did feel abandoned and forsaken. I had always felt like God was my protector and my loving Father but during that time I felt rejected and even wondered if God was making me suffer for something I had done wrong. There were so many changes to our family dynamic during that time too. It felt, for a while, that everything beautiful that I had worked so hard to create was being undone. Maybe one day I'll write more about that time but now I feel this is all I can share.

Some things I have learned from this experience:
  • There will be times during our faith walk that we will feel exiled, abandoned, confounded and forsaken. Jesus himself felt forsaken on the cross. "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" He is our pattern. 
  • God is always there for you even when it feels that He isn't
  • I know, deep within me that God isn't the author of our suffering. There are many forces present in this world.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12
  • Whatever we do go through can grow us, strengthen and deepen our walk. It can also help us to have compassion for others, be humble and know that loving others is the only way to really help them.
  • God is always looking for our good.

"You intended it to harm me but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20
 
    These words powerfully encapsulate this whole experience. They are from the story of Joseph in Genesis who was forsaken and left for dead by his brothers but survived against all odds. 
    Truly, whatever the enemy intends for our harm, God can reclaim for our good.




    Saturday, November 04, 2017

    An Autumn Prayer

    Hear I am.
    Alone.
    Stripped down.
    Bare as the Winter trees, with no covering leaves.

    I want to follow you.  You have always protected me, been my friend, guided my feet.
    My feet itch to detour, explore, follow the stirrings of the crowd. Father, help me take your hand and follow your lead each day.

    I want to turn over the hardened clay soil of my heart. I want it to be softened and life bearing.

    I am afraid. I am afraid of what you ask of me. I know that your path is the only path of real life, yet it asks so much, it is so narrow. It asks that I let go and leave behind all but the barest essentials. It asks that I stop looking outward but start turning inward. It tells me that I will be misunderstood and sometimes feel isolated on my journey through this world.

    "This world is a bridge, pass over it, but build no house upon it."

    When I had less to lose it wasn't so hard to follow. It wasn't so hard to open my hands and let my grasp of the world go. Now I worry about so many things. The weeds of the world entangle me. I feel like I have to manage so much. We have this beautiful house now. I sometimes feel so afraid that I will lose these gifts that it hardens me. It makes me think about money and scarcity and it makes me want to hoard and turn a blind eye to those more needy than I. It was easy not to be materialistic when we had little. I can now see why it is so hard for the rich to enter into the kingdom. When you have a lot of things, distractions and material wealth it is hard to turn to God. God asks us to leave all our good gifts in His hands, just as Hannah left Samuel, the son she so longed for.

    Help me to seek you every day. Help me to be brave and follow you regardless of what others think or say. Help me to be brave and leave all gifts in your hands. Help my heart to stay soft and my eyes open.

    Help me Father, to walk the path you have prepared for me. Jesus, I trust in you.

    Wednesday, July 12, 2017

    Isaiah 58, What the gospel Demands,... He to whom much is given....

    I have been really struggling over the last week or so. Since watching this series of talks on what the gospel demands.... Especially this one. lIFE shattering! And reading Isaiah 58 daily as a bible study with some friends... ... Sincerely, I've come to question so much about the way we live- I live as a christian. What is God asking of us - me? I was born here in an affluent country. My geography has placed me at an advantage over my brothers and sisters in developing nations. Here I have been scanning the Internet for home school materials while another child cannot even afford to learn to read and write. I see pictures of horrific poverty from the comfort of a PC screen. And what is my response? Is it the response of a follower of Jesus? What does God want me to do with this advantage, this privilege, this position? Indulge myself and my own at the expense of those at the door. Throw scraps from the feast at my table to those with nothing across water and continent? Can we -I be a Christian. a follower of Jesus and also be rich? And I am, rich.
    How rich are you? >> I'm loaded. It's official. I'm the 384,123,909 richest person on earth!
    We (as a family) have thought along the lines that we are not really rich simply because the bills take nearly everything by the end of the month. But, the very fact that we have bills means we have mainline electricity and clean water on tap.... on tap! It also means we have shelter for our family and our own transportation. This means we are most certainly rich.
    • More than one out of six people lack access to safe drinking water, namely 1.1 billion people, and more than two out of six lack adequate sanitation, namely 2.6 billion people
    • According to estimates, 100 million people worldwide are literally homeless. They have no shelter: they sleep on pavements, in doorways, in parks or under bridges. Or they sleep in public buildings like railway or bus stations, or in night shelters set up to provide homeless people with a bed.

    The estimated number of homeless increases to 1,000 million people if we include those in housing that is "very insecure or temporary, often of poor quality - for instance, squatters who have found accommodation by illegally occupying someone else's home or land and are under constant threat of eviction; those living in refugee camps whose home has been destroyed; and those living in temporary shelters (like the 250,000 pavement dwellers in Bombay)". This is according to a 1996 report by the UN Centre for Human Settlements (Habitat).

    At the most basic economic level, homelessness is caused by poverty and unemployment. The poor simply cannot afford adequate shelter.

    The numbers would surpass 1,000 million if we include "all people who lack an adequate home with secure tenure (ie, as owner-occupiers or tenants protected from sudden or arbitrary eviction) and the most basic facilities such as water of adequate quality piped into the home, provision for sanitation and drainage".

    *

    We've been really praying over this. Asking God, what can we do? I am coming to believe that He is calling me in His word to leave all in His hands, to trust more and more in providence. To turn away from the fear that leads to tying up all our resources in accounts, insurances, pensions, and mortgages. There are so many who cannot afford housing which is a basic human need, simply because so many who can afford, stretch budgets to buy up property thus pushing the prices above and beyond what is acceptable or affordable. As I read and listen I see that really all we have been given are gifts from His hand, everything we have belongs to Him not us. How would God use the resources we have as Christians? Would He say go ahead, it's okay to have more than you need while there are people dying at the door? Or would God use what we have to clothe the naked, help the lost, feed the hungry, counsel the sorrowful? Some of us are given much so, that we can give much for His glory. Luke 12:48 "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." God gives us a time to embrace His love, grace, forgiveness and prosperity in His land for the time to pass along the abundance, the "overflowing cup" to our neighbours standing with empty hands before us. Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Deuteronomy:26 1-2 "When you have entered the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance and have taken possession of it and settled in it, take some of the firstfruits of all that you produce from the soil of the land the LORD your God is giving you and put them in a basket." Can being a Christian really become a state of mind and heart only? Doesn't living water not become stagnant and stale when not allowed to flow freely, from the plentiful river to the trickling stream to the empty cup in a child's hand? Faith in the word will transform my heart and mind till giving up and following becomes the only way to go. A narrowing road that leads only to life. A fearless road that trusts in providence in a radical way. A hard to see road that clears a way for the kingdom of God before the kingdoms of this world. Jesus put it plainly, he cut everything through with the sharp edge of the truth. He said, "Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth." Speaking to the rich man who wanted to follow Him Jesus said... " How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God. For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." We often think of nuns and monks who take vows of poverty, as something special. But their simplicity of living, believing, being is surely nothing but the basic acceptance of the gospel message for all Christan's. Can we be Christians who spend weekends shopping for more, making Christmas lists that indulge our every lust and engorge our homes with more "stuff".... Be in the mindset that always says bigger, better, more?.... Can we (I) as Christians hoard money, insure every inch of our lives, buy expensive food or products that have been bought for less than the farmer who grows them or the factory worker who sews them can live onto be shipped half way across the world for our convenience?... Is it possible? When a (conservative estimate) of over 25,000 children die each day from hunger.

    Which is equivalent to:

    • 1 child dying every 3.5 seconds
    • 17-18 children dying every minute
    • A 2004 Asian Tsunami occurring almost every 1.5 weeks
    • An Iraq-scale death toll every 16–38 days
    • Over 9 million children dying every year
    • Some 70 million children dying between 2000 and 2007
    Can we really say that we are followers of a gospel that says GIVE, at every turn? Is Jesus unacceptable to me the way He really is? I pray, pray, pray that I can accept Jesus and His word the way it is. And I pray, pray, pray that I can become acceptable to Him through living it like I believe it. Yes, Really believe it. Not just for the day that it suits me, but for the day when it doesn't. Cos' if I did- we did, really did believe ... Maybe the Kingdom really would come. The Kingdom that is an upside down, back to front kind of a place... When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying... " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." But if we take the comforting words of the Bible to sooth and strengthen us, surely we must also take the ones that are hard and challenging with just the same confidence. Exodus 12:8 "That same night they are to eat the meat roasted over the fire, along with bitter herbs, and bread made without yeast" And don't these words, if really believed change perspective, transform heart, radically alter mindset and turn life upside down and back to front. In these passages from scripture, God is confronting us with the consequences of throwing scraps to the poor and walking grandly in our own self built cocoon of affluence. Luke 16:19-31

    "There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

    "The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

    "But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

    "He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

    "Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

    " 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

    "He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

    Isaiah 3: 14 - 26

    The LORD enters into judgment against the elders and leaders of his people: "It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses

    What do you mean by crushing my people and grinding the faces of the poor?" declares the Lord, the LORD Almighty.

    The LORD says, "The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles.

    Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald."

    In that day the Lord will snatch away their finery: the bangles and headbands and crescent necklaces, 19 the earrings and bracelets and veils, 20 the headdresses and ankle chains and sashes, the perfume bottles and charms, 21 the signet rings and nose rings, 22 the fine robes and the capes and cloaks, the purses 23 and mirrors, and the linen garments and tiaras and shawls.

    Instead of fragrance there will be a stench; instead of a sash, a rope; instead of well-dressed hair, baldness; instead of fine clothing, sackcloth; instead of beauty, branding.

    Your men will fall by the sword, your warriors in battle.

    The gates of Zion will lament and mourn; destitute, she will sit on the ground.

    *

    Ezekiel 16:49 "'The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them. * What it comes down to for me is is the Bible the truth. Is Jesus telling the truth. Do I believe it? * Thessalonians 2 "They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness." * The modern "rich" christian church has, in many ways become a powerful delusion. A cover up for a false religion. * James: 1 - 27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." * Culture, consumerism and materialism have become a powerful delusion. The only way to see through the delusion is to accept the truth to the point where it can be transformative in our lives. There are Christians dying and persecuted all over the world right now. And I wonder would we -I be able to stand up and suffer for Jesus in the same way. Right now I don't think I would. If I can't even follow the basics how will I ever have the strength to face the real tests of faith that so many Christan's have had to face over the centuries. Grace is given in the giving. If I can't give, how can I receive? Revelation 3: 15-18 "'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. " I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to be blind to the suffering of 30000 children and countless more adults and old people every day. I don't want to simply throw scraps from my abundance. I want to learn how to give from my poverty. Like Deepa. Lord, awaken me to the suffering world, Give me the grace to give of myself, my time, my resources, my abundance, Knowing that they are yours not mine Each person a unique child in your sight beloved to you Give me eyes to see as you see The ears to hear the cries that you hear The faith to believe Your word truly as it is. Heal our comfort hardened hearts. Amen. Matthew 5 -13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage." If We don't Live it properly, who will?

    Monday, July 13, 2015

    Notice


    Dear Readers. After much thought I've decided that I'm going to write regularly over at my main blog A Soulful Life. I'll be transferring any relevant posts from here to there and making that my main site from here on.

    Saturday, June 27, 2015

    Many things

    There are many things that I could write about. There are many subjects close to my heart that I have wanted to share. Yet somehow, after many years of blogging I have been drawn to document only simple details about my own life. Nothing too personal, nothing too heavy, no politics, no issues, no ideology, just the ordinary moments which make my heart sing.
    It is not very interesting. But for me, when I come to write here, or look at the pictures it gives me peace. Perhaps, the small stitches that make up the plain yet functional fabric of my life count for something over time. And hopefully, over time, they will count for something for my children too.
    Maybe it is the simplicity and beauty with which we live our ordinary moments that matter most of all in the end.

    Pansies, planted by Boo, beautiful and bedraggled, brighten up my windowsill.


    Nourishing breakfast: Organic oats with pumpkin, hemp, sunflower and chia seeds, a drizzle of manuka honey and fresh, lemon, ginger and tumeric tea.
    A project for Matilda

    Thursday, June 18, 2015

    Wildflower


    Boo brought me home a beautiful posy of wild flowers from her walk. 
    My favourite kind of bouquet.


    Mama Bird


    A friend's dog sadly caught a mother partridge so we offered to take the baby chicks that she was brooding and care for them until they are old enough to join a local brood of baby pheasants.

    With lots of round the clock care and attention and a heat lamp borrowed from a local farmer they seem to have recovered from their shock.

    Boo is Mama bird, of course.
     


    Saturday, June 13, 2015

    A Little Gem


    "Mama, I need this sparkly jewel in my life."

    A Meadowful Morning






    Germander Speedwell affectionately known as Angel Eyes.














    Baby Water Snail found in the stream.


     

    “We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved.” ~ Mother Teresa