Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Made of Clay

I become distracted, overfilling myself with the wrong foods, carrying the wrong burdens, instead of simply taking His yoke. Till I am broken once again.


I become impatient. Desecrating sacred moments with dissatisfaction. Writhing anxiously with tasks incomplete. Aching. Deep. Emptiness. And somehow I forget all about the beauty that swells around me pleading me to simply stop still and notice. The decor of four sweet girls feels like clutter and background noise to the foreground of "me" and "mine". Sudden territorial instincts bare their teeth. I thought these nets had fallen away since I'd caught that big fish. I wake up wishing it was time to go to bed, disinterested in the day. Grasping for "me" moments in the thin broth I've made for us all to swallow. Wallow in like an unmade bed. And I do swallow the stinging tears that fall down my cheeks as I crawl to my feet asking the same monotonous questions. Why is this pattern of feeling like I'm failing grace... His Love for me, ever repeating itself through the days like a faulty roll of film? There are the beginnings when I rise from a bed of hot tears and shame. And the middle parts, soft and full as a cool pillow. Where I lay my head silently filling myself with His forgiveness. Sitting there in the half light listening, waiting. My empty hands open, my tears cried out, my heart somehow healed in the baptism of saline. My body feeling like debris. Me the publican, unable to even lift my eyes heavenward.


Oh how the earth tugs. How it's gravity pulls me down. Yes, something deep within me remembers deep that I'm made of nothing but dust and water. Substance of the fields that grow both wheat and weeds. Yet the weeds take no careful hand to help them grow, the wheat, a little more so. I am clay. Fragmented from being hardened, moistened, shaped and broken over and over again. Has the Potter been trying to fashion me into a golden chalice for so long ?.... Still here I am a breaking, leaking, earthen pot. Since from the muddy ground I emerge once again. Dust myself down, allow the stains to evaporate into His light once more. How hard it is for a hurting heart to let go of the mess. To let Him just carry the burden, wash my feet, Heal my heart. And every time I am sure my vision is secure. Till once again I falter and fall. My King, you fell three times, yet I haven't stopped falling since we met. Both in love with you and over myself. I'm such an obstacle aren't I. It's not you. It's me. I quietly pray soft as a whisper, that somehow through it all, you are working in me still. Through these falterings, falls, tears, embraces, faltering falls again. Maybe that is what Hope is for.

 
Hope that the brokenness in me can be worked into good once I turn my face toward You again God. Doesn't good solid clay need a little tempering sand and grit to keep it strong? It's what I've heard. Maybe my "temper" will be the humility I've needed for the alchemy to happen. And one day this grit, dust, ashes, water of a soul will become gold in Your Hands.

  "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."

10 comments:

  1. There is so much you say in this that makes my heart shout, "That is me! I am here!" or "I have been there!"

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  2. Weak and vulnerable yet strong and courageous in Him. Your writing speaks to me.

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  3. i got shivers from this stunning post. suzy, your brokenness glorifies Him, so... thank you so much for participating in imperfect prose. i'm blessed by you. xo

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  4. Distracted by carrying the wrong burdens...know this feeling so well - beautifully put!
    Claudia

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  5. I read this and I just couldn't help but understand it, as if I had written those words. This was absolutly beautiful Suzy.
    I'm praying for the same things.
    Godbless.

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  6. (((THank you all)))
    Your kind words are a gift to me :)

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  7. Thank you so much for your kind comment Suzy. Do you know that the post you read somehow got linked up by mistake? It wasn't the one I had written for today. Perhaps it was a little providential?
    This is so beautiful Suzy and resonates deeply in my heart. I think you speak for so many of us, wanting so desperately to grow in grace and stumbling and falling so often. I wonder if it isn't all just part of the journey. We walk this way and we grow and He molds and shapes, and one day we will see Him face to face. And we will be like Him.
    Until then, He loves us so dearly and is mindful that we are but dust.
    So delighted to meet you.

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  8. beautiful, golden images... loved each one

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  9. "Grasping for 'me' moments in the thin broth I've made for us all to swallow." Love this line; know this all too well. Also, "Still here I am a breaking, leaking, earthen pot." It's so hard to understand how we can possibly be pleasing to Him, or useful at all, in our broken state. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. ~ Dear Linda. Providential, Yes I think it was :)
    Thank you for writing a comment so full of love. We walk the way together :)
    ~ Thank you Patty, yes, I pray that between the brokeness their is beauty still, all His!
    ~ Thank you for sharing your heart here julie :) It is a comfort to know that we are not alone on the journey in Grace :)

    Blessings, All ~

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Thank you for your thoughts.