A New Day

Our lives changed unrecognizably last year. We moved to a beautiful, dreamlike place in the country. I am a such country bumpkin :) I have dreamed of living in the country all my life.

For several months after the move I felt paralyzed by fear of losing this "dream." Consequently I wouldn't allow myself to become too attached to it, or enjoy it too much.

With this sense of paralysis and less need for me to work every stray hour to save for a deposit I suddenly had time to simply sit, think and be.

It's funny because where we lived before I didn't feel attached to anything material. Money, time, things could just flow through my hands so easily. Suddenly life became so much more infused with beauty and nature and light and I didn't want to loose myself to it.
But it's hard because being here is really the first time I've really felt embraced by a community, safe in my neighborhood and a deep peace in my soul. I feel like I can actually heal in this place and that means so much to me. I watch my girls play in the green and I feel like I'm really home for the first time in my life.

Over the last few years I had become depleted slowly, over time, without really noticing it. Pushing on and pushing through because there was no choice but to keep going through illness, pregnancy, homelessness, birth, work.
And so many go through this don't they? Then one day you realize you can't feel the needs of your own body anymore. Are you hungry? Tired? Sad? ill? It's hard to tell.

I buried myself in my family, my work, housework, volunteering, to try to numb pain of  a childhood that sat beneath my chest like a sunken stone trawling the depths of deeper waters than I could tread.
I feel anxious writing those words because I don't want my parents to take any blame. They had incredibly difficult lives, especially my father. They were not capable of coping and had no support network to help them. They did the very best they could with what they had. However, as they were unable to fully protect me, others took advantage of my vulnerably.

Anyway, last October, I became ill and then I became ill again, and again. One infection/problem /deficiency after another. It felt as if my body was breaking down. By April I was almost completely disabled. I was so ill I couldn't move.
I went into a very deep meditation during this time. I felt like a thousand birds were flying out of my body and time slowed right down.

For the last 2 months I've not had any alcohol, caffeine and hardly any sugar. I could only eat and drink liquids for the first week or so, so my body went through I kind of detox by default.
I have cut out 3/4 of my intake of wheat and starch. Not to follow any specific diet. My body has just become very sensitive and my intuition has become very focused. My body seems to be telling me very explicitly what it needs and what is harmful to it.

I don't have the same energy as I did before. However, I think much of the energy I've had over the past few years has been false energy, built on stress, adrenaline and coffee.

I am not accomplishing much at the moment. I'm not being productive.
It is hard to see things pile up and not necessarily fix them straight away.
It is hard to simply trust that whatever we have to go through financially or health-wise there is a good God who will walk with us.
I don't believe God causes the suffering of his children but I know he weeps with us and he laughs with us.
Over these years I have felt a lot of pressure to help our family financially, look after my elderly and mentally fragile parents who I was estranged from for many years, make sure my families needs are met emotionally, educationally, spiritually and volunteer with our church.

It is hard to not be able to do all that your mind want to do.
I used to think it was my spirit prompting me to do so much because all I did was prompted by a feeling of love and compassion. I want to protect, help and make everything comfortable and beautiful for everyone around me. I live through their eyes, their smiles, their comfort.
It's like I'm comforting myself, when I nurture others. It heals but it also numbs the pain deep inside me. Pain I've been trying to push down all my life.

I recently did my ACE test and scored 7. But now, somehow, I know I am ready to face the pain of my childhood. I know God walks beside me as I do this.

I will put that which I can't carry into His arms.

"A new day will dawn on us from above
            because our God is loving and merciful."

Luke 1:78

Red Campion

Ox Eye Daisy

Meadow Buttercup

Red Clover

Cow Parsley

  

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.…Proverbs 3:5

Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain.  

Psalm 127.1

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Psalm 23