A retreat, an apple, and a dream.

I had a dream one night last week. I never remember my dreams anymore and yet this one I remember vividly in great detail.

It started with an apple. A big red, round, juicy apple. Perfect in every way. It had been designed somehow to be a better version of an apple than any old ordinary apple. It had a higher nutritional content, it was better tasting, it stayed fresher for longer and it looked much more perfectly round and red than any regular apple.

What a wonderful discovery! Perfection in my hand. I could taste it, it would give me health and make me feel strong.

Sometimes, Life, Myself, The way I act in social situations, the way I plan and follow through the routines of my day, the way I look, all seem to me like they might be in need of a few adjustments here and there. I'm sure any of the TV shows that have become so popular recently, the ones with a mean judging panel, would have a field day makeovering me and my life:0)

Areas that need to be a little brighter, healthier, richer, stronger, better looking!

Sometimes I even find myself looking for these attributes from God! I want a god that is a celebrity, a superstar, a knight in shining armour. A designer package of a god with a matching designer label saying "saved."

Oh good that must mean I'm one of the good apples! Phew!

*

I went to a retreat yesterday. It was a lovely day in so many ways an an experience I'm most grateful for. The kids that were involved with the retreat deal regularly with school parties, confirmation groups and the like and they have bags of energy and enthusiasm. There were organised games, questionnaires, a little bit of meditative music, alot of very loud and lively music, Jokes, Sunshine and alot of Talking. The best part for me by a mile, however had nothing to do with the itinerary, or the music or even the mass. The best part was spending time with someone who has been one of the best friends of our family. I talked of things, she spoke of things, we shared, we laughed, I felt that I learned more about this friend's heart which made me love her more and understand her more. It was only when I came home that I realised that God was trying to show me something here. Truth, relationship, love, compassion, being real. These are the real itineraries of life, the real songs, the real liturgies. This is what the mass prepares us for. "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2:27).

*

During the day at the retreat there was alot of role playing of the scriptures fast forwarded to the year 2008 in the form of "Pop Idol" and "Big Brother"
Where grumbling Israelites were transformed into grumbling housemates awaiting eviction.

I became involved in working out a role play for our gospel reading at mass.
Questions went through my mind. How could we make the importance of the event we were recounting, stimulating, relevant and inspiring all at the same time. How could we add to it, make it shiner, glossier, give the kids an extra angle on the scripture, bring it to life, make it apply to the kid's everyday experiences.

Suddenly, I had a realisation that, we just couldn't.

We could not gloss the gospel story over because it was meant to be plain and simple in it's truth. "He has no form or comeliness; and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him"

We could not bring it to life, because it was already alive, living and breathing and there in the room with us if we only would stop what we were doing for a moment and listen. Reach out a little and touch his form in the smile of another. The kind word of another, the friendship of another.

And finally, and a little frustratingly, I could not even make it apply to the kid's everyday experiences either. This was an experience that could only come through grace and love. Through scripture readings, prayers and listening that invites God into the everyday liturgy of routines, washing, folding, tidying, eating, playing, reading, loving, caring, running, walking, dreaming, writing, BEING.

For God's love breathes through all these things and more

We ended up binding the arms of one of the group members and as the words... "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." were read the shackles were thrown to the ground and the cross was lifted high into the air.

It all came down to the cross. What more could be done or said. It was all about a shabby, bloodstained, wooden cross, raised up towards the sun till nothing more could be seen but the light behind, above and surrounding it.

*

Sometimes I get so immersed in a sense of urgency and continual action. I'm waiting in a state of suspension, for the next task to appear before me.

One of the most valuable experiences during the retreat was during reconciliation where we literally sat still and quiet for over an hour as each person went to speak with the priest in turn. Before reconciliation we were asked by the group leaders to write down some of the things that we felt burdened by. As I had joined the group a day later than the rest they had written their answers on sheets. When the group leader told everyone to tear their answers off the sheet I misheard and actually tore my piece of paper in half!

Luckily we were then given red envelopes to put our answers into! I put mine in quick :0)

Before the reconciliation mass itself, we had a break. As I was walking around the grounds in the beautiful crisp September sun I noticed the transparency of the leaves in the light, how all the veins etched through the tender greenness giving life to the very edges of the plant.

Nature as she tends to, spoke to me of God's grace through the ragged leaves of overgrown hedgerow. Jesus sees right into our hearts, with his light. I was already forgiven. I was meant to mis-hear the instructions, I was meant to tear up my sins, for Jesus's blood is like the veins in that leaf, cleansing, healing, giving life. Later, after the mass of reconciliation we burnt our envelopes and mixed the ashes with paint to make a painting on which we put all our names.

Jesus can take our sins and instead of condemning us for them he can use them to make something beautiful. All we have to do is reach out for his hand with trust and sorrow. Not self pitying sorrow, but sorrow that has the hope of being transformed into joy through his forgiveness. I am free. A child of God. I can run around fearlessly in his garden.

*

I remember during lessons at school I used top often look out of the window at the countryside in the distance and think to myself, why can't I just go for a walk alone out there, hear the birds singing, the rustle of the leaves in the wind. I've never been one for routines or harsh disciplines or conforming to the rules. And yesterday I was reminded of this through all the noise of preparations for this and that activity, role play, game, as I looked out the window briefly and just thought. If only I was that butterfly on that morning glory :0)

Sometimes with all the best intentions in the world we can miss the goal in our pursuit of it.

The kingdom is here already Jesus said to his disciples. "Jesus said: If those who lead you say to you: See, the kingdom is in heaven, then the birds of the heaven will go before you; if they say to you: It is in the sea, then the fish will go before you. But the kingdom is within you, and it is outside of you."Gospel of Thomas. And truly it is.

*

I thought again about that garden this morning as I awoke to another beautiful sunny September morning. Sometimes it is the overgrown parts of life that lend themselves more to God's grace than the tidy manicured areas.

I'm like a little ant at times, carrying my treasures back to my ant hill. Making a great structure that constantly needs maintaining and extending until the structure actually becomes more important than it's purpose. to give me shelter, protection.
We cannot "create" an experience of God. God's kingdom is upside down and back to front.
He made a world where the most splendid, delicate and beautiful flower must grow in dung, in muck!
He has a sense of humor yes but it is warm and inclusive, not crude and divisive. He has a gentle arm that embraces the sorrowful, guides the lost and befriends the friendless.


I'm glad and humbled that I got to know his friendship, through another, a little better.
For it is through friendship that we share his love on earth.

Oh and getting back to that dream , incase you were wondering....
I never did take a bite out of that apple! Luckily I was woken out of it by my very own, regular little wake up caller ....Seraphina babbling away in the cot beside me :0)